I will die if light touches me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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