And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
