Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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