Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
