I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
