oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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