life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
