when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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