im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
