This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
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They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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