I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
