I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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