P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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