i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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