i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
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My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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