I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
