If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
