My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
