3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wanna bring you to show and tell
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
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I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
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He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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