So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
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You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
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Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize