I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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