Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
