i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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