Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
