I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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