Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
