I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
