I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
