goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Less talking, more tequila
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Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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