It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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