A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
