He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
