I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Will exercising make me less horny?
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