GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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