my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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