my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
