Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
