Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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