He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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