I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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