i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
