I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
