I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
