You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
