I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
