I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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