So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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