Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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