God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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