dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
