I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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