i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
