Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
