oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
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She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
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you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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