Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
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my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He shit in the fireplace
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